Building Stronger Connections
Almost anywhere you look, you can see people pointing out the faults of others. Political candidates work hard to expose the failures of their opponent. Whatever the issue, it’s always someone else’s fault. They are to blame.
These are the traits of a weak and combative person. Those who focus on placing blame cannot be expected to provide solutions. Whatever you bring attention to also becomes associated with you. If you are known for burning the enemy’s crops, you will not be known for growing your own.
Keep this wisdom from the Daodejing in mind: “The virtuous promote agreement, the vicious allot blame”.
There is no need to draw attention to the negative traits of another. Focus always on solutions and agreements and you will be seen as a positive force, wise and preferred over those who focus on putting down their opposition.
Who? What? When? Where? Why?
Probably the most asked question throughout human history is “Why are we here?” The meaning of life has been speculated since the dawn of our time. Over the ages we’ve come up with all sorts of answers, from divine placement to random happenstance. Yet understanding the why and how of our existence does little to help us with what to do with it while we have it.
Does knowing the starting conditions of life in general really affect your choices from day to day? Instead of focusing on why you are here, consider these other, more personal questions:
Who am I?
You are not just a name. You are a set of experiences and choices. You are who you choose to be. Often we travel along the years with no clear understanding of who we want to be. Such wandering can lead you around in circles. Take the time to work on this answer first, so that you have a base from which to make consistent choices.
What do I value?
Who you are affects what you value. Knowing what you value gives you further insight into who you are. Make a top ten list of your values. These can be actual things, people or concepts like honesty or dependability. These should be important to you specifically, not a list of things you desire or traits you seek in others.
When do I move and when do I stay still?
Every journey is a series of movement and rest. Whether you’re planning a trip across country, a lifetime career or just the day ahead of you, your goals of things to do must also include time for not doing. Make sure you consider things like time off, breaks, and vacations as essential parts of your plans.
Where am I going?
This isn’t a question of a singular destination. It’s not “where do I want to be at the end of the trip?” This is a question to ask yourself each day. Just as examining a compass tells us the direction we are walking, so does examining our choices and values give us insight into the direction of our lives. Check this compass regularly by thinking about what you have done and where those choices are leading you. You don’t have to know where you want to go in order to know where you don’t want to go.
These are the more relevant questions. These are questions you can influence. Ask them. Answer them. Live accordingly. The meaning of your life will take shape only as the memories of where you’ve been. If life has a purpose, the best we can do is to live it and see.
Being Different
Many people spend a great deal of effort trying to express their “individuality”. I think it’s a strong Western cultural theme: “Don’t be a sheep. Stand out from the norm. Be unique.” Obviously some go so far to be different that they purposely avoid things they may enjoy or deny themselves experiences they too want to feel simply because they perceive too many others act and feel the same way and they want to be different.
What does trying to be different really do for you? Isolate you? Make you feel resentment towards others for being “sheep”? Make you resent yourself for being on the “outside”?
It’s ok to be like others. In most ways, you can’t avoid it. No matter how hard you try, you still have to breathe air. You still have to eat food and drink water. You still have to sleep. Just like everyone else. You are human (yes, even you who fantasize about being mythical or supernatural beings like vampires, etc) and as such you are very much part of the herd. A sheep will be a sheep and even if it’s sheared and stands by itself away from the others, it’s still a sheep. It’s ok to like the same things others like. It’s ok to do something you might have fun doing even if everyone else is doing it as well.
Being a non-conformist does not mean you can’t do what others are doing. It means you can’t do what others are doing because they are doing it. This may be an often overlooked concept. In fact, if you change your actions or views based on the actions or views of someone else, that is the epitome of conformity. So in essence, dressing a certain way because nobody else is dressing that way is allowing your motive be based on other people’s actions.
You can be an individual and still be part of the crowd. Being an individual means doing what you want. If it happens to be what others want too, so be it. If you try too hard to be different, you end up being controlled by others as much as if you tried really hard to be the same.
Live how you want. Experience what you want. Feel what you want. Not because it’s what other people like and not because it’s what they don’t.
Desire and Contentment
There is no greater mistake than following desire;
There is no greater disaster than forgetting contentment;
There is no greater sickness than seeking attainment
- Daodejing, Chapter 46, Merel Translation
A common process for finding contentment might go something like this:
Step 1: Desire something (a possession, wealth, a relationship, a job, etc.)
Step 2: Work to attain/obtain that which you desire.
Step 3: Experience satisfaction and/or contentment.
The Secret of Life
Everything we do has a limited window of time in which it has any relevance. Fame? Most of us can name several performers from the past 100 years. What about from the 1800′s? Or how about the names of the most famous gladiators in ancient Rome? The names and memory of billions of lives have been lost to time. They lived. They died. They were forgotten.
What is greatness in the scope of time and the universe? Has one thing done by anyone who has ever lived made an impact on the universe? We left some footprints on the moon. We sent some machines out into space where it will be thousands of years before having a chance to encounter anything else. Everything done on our little planet is of absolutely no importance to the rest of the universe.
The things we do are important for a brief speck of time and only to some of the living things on our planet. Beyond that, we too will be forgotten. Every trace that I as an individual ever existed will eventually fade. For most of us, the last we will be remembered for is a name on a genealogy search.
I’m not pointing this out to be depressing. In fact, it’s inspiration for the opposite. Let go of the need to make an “impact”. Unless you’re a fairly big rock from space, you won’t be leaving a lasting mark on the planet, so don’t make that a priority.
Your entire life is a one time production. Each moment you experience becomes a memory the next moment. What’s important is you enjoy as many of those as you can. Don’t rush from place to place without paying attention to what’s around you. Each empty moment is an empty memory. Cherish the simple things instead of always looking forward to the next big thing.
One day you will be at the end of the show, with more memories than moments. Will they fill you with happiness? Will they sustain the glow of your life as your moments dwindle? Or will they be dark, cold, fading memories of all the moments you never noticed?
Take notice of your life now. That’s what’s important. Feel it flowing through you.
The secret of life is to live it. The more you embrace it, the more it will stay with you. The more you rush past, the less you will keep.
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LOOKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE'S WINDOW
High quality, landscape, 24 page collection of some of my most popular poetry, printed new just for you.
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