Yesterday when I woke up I felt like one of those chocolate bunnies you see at Easter.  Except someone had bitten off my face and I could see the emptiness inside me.  I am a shell, hollow.

When I went to the bathroom I saw Ian's toothbrush.  I just stared at it.  This was the token of our relationship.  It represented the acceptance of him in my life.  His toothbrush was the symbol of our bond.  Oh my god.  It's just a fucking toothbrush.  What the hell was I thinking.

I picked it up and took it with me back to my closet.  I took a box from the shelf and put it inside.  Then I noticed one of his shirts hanging in front of me.  He was even in my closet.  I placed his shirt in with his toothbrush.

Now I was on a mission.  There was a book here...a movie there.  I even found an old pair of his boxers.  Everything went into the box.

As I drove to his apartment I began to wonder why I was doing this.  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this what I want?  I don't know.  But I am doing it.  Nothing feels right anymore.

Knocking on his door I suddenly realized I didn't know what I was going to say.

When Ian answered, I shoved the box into his hands.

"I don't deserve you," was all I could manage to say.

He just looked at me in that confused and helpless way a child looks when someone suddenly takes away his candy.

I tried to tell him that I just wasn't in a place where I could go on being his girlfriend.  I tried to tell him that it has nothing to do with him.  I am fucked up and I know it.  It's not fair to him...or to myself right now.

He turned and sat the box on the floor.  I knew he didn't understand.  But at that moment I was certain that this was the right thing.  When he turned back to me I stepped forward and held him.

There are few moments in my life that I can truly say I felt close to another person.  We all have had friends, and we all have had lovers.  But to find someone you can feel connected to is a rare gift, even if that connection lasts for a single, final embrace.  In that instant, I felt as if our souls met.  my mind raced with memories of every moment we had shared, no matter how trivial.  I remembered the dinners,  going shopping, phone calls, movies we shared, long discussions about the meaning of life...it all focused together in a single, beautiful point.

And then it was over.